Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs