Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
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Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.