Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
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I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Very good! 👍😂
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Well, that should do it
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*