THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
You Might Also Like
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day