This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building