girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.