Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
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[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.