We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
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someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.