USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 馃
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if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
4: Let鈥檚 go to back Target, we can get the Pok茅mon stuff
Me: But you don鈥檛 have any more money
4: That鈥檚 okay, we can use your money
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I鈥檝e been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)