*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
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This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Choose your fighter
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*