I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You Might Also Like
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Left at a local drug store…
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display