one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
You Might Also Like
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My dating profile:
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.