Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
You Might Also Like
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.