The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
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Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.