I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?