Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling