*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
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day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.