I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?