I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.