Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Perfect.
Art by Pastelkatto
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂