[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
You Might Also Like
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
💻🤡
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’