Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Just got to our Airbnb!
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?