Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
wtf management?!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Previously On Persistence 😎
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?