Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend