Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
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me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.