can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
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I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
when you are just born a rebel
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact