3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
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I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
they really do be looking like this
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”