me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
saw this in a dream
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.