That stupid look on my face, is my face
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I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
LOOOOOOL
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.