Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
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Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?