Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Dietest Coke
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists