Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
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My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*