If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
You Might Also Like
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.