me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
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Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third