I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses