Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
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*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Only short people can save us
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once