At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
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The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Love it! 👍😂
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*