You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Möther may I have a snäck
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs