Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
You Might Also Like
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level