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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
NASA has no chill
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
May never get over this
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.