Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
You Might Also Like
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Stick it to the man
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”