Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆