I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
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Are you ok, human???
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this