“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.