Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
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Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
what’s really going on
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.