*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
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Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.