Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
You Might Also Like
and now we wait
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
What’s so funny?
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.