got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
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4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER