7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Herpes is trending, good job people
Realize this:
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I have two kinds of followers
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*