once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
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All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.